snowflakes strung by sweetheart

"it's like sparring"

he says, of negotiating and navigating through relationships. "they want you to be them, and you want them to be you, and it's a matter of figuring out what you're both willing to accept, or give up." having just ended a long relationship, i wondered about his experience; i have been wondering about how things begin, how they sustain, how they change, and if there is a common experience.

"collecting i love yous" i called it and phoned all the happy couples i knew and asked them to tell me the story of "the first time i/he/she said i love you to him/her/me". everyone took their time and smiled and described and glowed through their voice - it's a moment, it seems, that no one forgets.

i won't forget.

i will, however, continue to redraw this map, as i find my way through the labyrinth. this vulnerability, this confusion, this distance and closeness, this desire... tonight, these have me, cartographer, tired.

thus.

good night.

your footsteps from subwaystation

i love typos, and when language is new.

...so says an ad for a flat to sublet in paris. i often spend time clicking through craigslist, only listings with photos, to imagine myself in these foreign places, and among the varied decor. and yesterday, driving down knight street a for rent sign almost had me stop and turn around. why? i don't need to move. i just moved in may and i like my apartment. but i'm so attracted to newness and change, and always feel like there's somethig better, happier. also, i find it hard to hold things, needing to keep leaving before i can ever get left, and when my skin feels like it's not fitting, my foolish inclination is to change my environment, before looking at tailoring myself. is that part of my apartment hunting hobby? escape? perhaps there's nothing behind it at all, merely an interest in interior design and a slight voyeuristic bent, but my hangover this morning reminds me that there are a lot of demons pushing to get out of my head, and they need a place to live.