"it's like sparring"

he says, of negotiating and navigating through relationships. "they want you to be them, and you want them to be you, and it's a matter of figuring out what you're both willing to accept, or give up." having just ended a long relationship, i wondered about his experience; i have been wondering about how things begin, how they sustain, how they change, and if there is a common experience.

"collecting i love yous" i called it and phoned all the happy couples i knew and asked them to tell me the story of "the first time i/he/she said i love you to him/her/me". everyone took their time and smiled and described and glowed through their voice - it's a moment, it seems, that no one forgets.

i won't forget.

i will, however, continue to redraw this map, as i find my way through the labyrinth. this vulnerability, this confusion, this distance and closeness, this desire... tonight, these have me, cartographer, tired.

thus.

good night.