pudgey birds and snowflakes hanging

there is a substantial gathering of small pudgey birds on the patio this morning. they must know gilbert's window is closed. even better, he is asleep in the open drawer of my dresser (he likes the sweaters), rather than threatening them through the glass, affording them this worry free frolic. or perhaps they are conducting a meeting, comparing my patio to my neighbors'.

one bounced down, step by step, the black metal thing (left stadning in the dirt by the last tenant - presumably it is there for the benefit of climbing plants. i would like to plant sweet peas in the spring, in fact) and onto the heads of the silver love chickens/wannabe lawn art from ikea. it was adorable.

i dreamed last night that when i woke up this morning and walked into the living room/office/dining area from which i am currently writing to you, the curtains from the ceiling were gone, the baker's table was gone, and all surfaces were clear of their usual clutter and activity. it was still dark, but as my eyes adjusted, i saw paper snowflakes had been hung all over the room and knew them to be strung by my sweetheart, who'd long since gone to work for the day. some had a bit of a blue glisten to them that the growing light struck. it was so lovely, and reminded me of the season that is beginning.

wing night at the drake

in canmore. the place was packed - for grrrls with guitars? ah, for the 29 cent wings (5pm - while supplies last). the room was smoky and each of us covered our mouths while scanning the menu for a vegetarian option. by the time we took the stage, the wing fans were loud, drunk and getting drunker. so we tagged along, getting louder and drunker too. despite the lads whistling cat calls from "girl power!" to "man haters!" and trying to battle their volume, it was a fun gig. so different from the cozy listening crowd in ashcroft (the opera house was a splended night) but interesting to drop into a new town each night and figure out what parts of ourselves will suit the audience du jour. coquettish, we skipped the sad songs and ordered another round. at the end of it, coco and i went for a walk with brandon and noel, along couger creek, our feet crunching the brightly moon and star lit snow. floodlights they seemed, and we'd been in the city too long to not be amazed at the visibility of the natural night. the crisp air got too cold and we climbed back into their truck (me banging my knee gracefully while doing so). back at the drake, we learned they want us to play two nights next time we're in town. i guess the wing men liked the man haters after all.

en route to ashcroft

tour, day 2

waiting in merritt, at the tim horton's now
waiting for the smoke from my van to die down
waiting for the girls to come get me
and for the reality of this breakdown to hit me

i cross the street to the gas station, ford fiests pulls up, parks, driver gets out, asks the attendant for directions and they are given - full of landmarks. left at the, right at the, drive past - and i'm imagining the stories in the answer to the question asked

like the weeping willow on the main street
of this small town
must be as firmly planted
as you are
in my ground

so much that i could give directions by you
and those directions by you would start with how i love you
and continue with "i think he loves me too"
followed by an escape route
not that i would ever leave, it's just hard to receive
and sometimes it's good to know if you have to, how to go

though the weeping willow
on the main street
of this small town
is as firmly planted
as you are
in my ground

an excerise

in shifting perspective.

ruth loves to tell me, over the phone (it's been left on voice mail too), "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

well.

obviously i can't really complain - i'm going on tour! my album is coming out! but i've been such a stress case - how will i finish sewing cd cases! when will i do laundry and pack! i need to approve proofs! the colour is wrong on the cd face! don't forget to pick up the prescription!

this morning, when the sewing machine grunted and grinded to a halt, and gilbert had my hand locked between his teeth (it is red striped and swolen now), i called nick tired and teary to hear some form of "it will all work out. it will all be okay". he, of course, provided calm rather sweetly and i recovered even further by playing piano for a spell. now at work, i am tilting my head to see these differently, ideally as delightful opportunities, not big bad walls of hardship! i can, at least, at this point in the afternoon (home and dinner will surely get me closer to blissful acceptance) be glad to have these worries. i am.

i think, though, regardless of being so glad to have such troubles as the release of my album, that when something is important to you, a little anxiety is to be expected, surely.

sigh. the things you look at change - i know ruth! i'm working on it.

bridge (replacing old with new. perhaps...)

you say we can't truly promise
that we won't take all of this back
but this is the closest
i have come
to even wanting to promise that
and i don't mind to try
without a net